Confidence is what I lack to propel me in this journey. Afraid to be hurt, afraid to look forward, living in shadows. Having to always look back at my happy past, trying hard to recreate them which is a obivious minimal possibility things would happen again unless I have a time machine.

Time to reschedule all my priorities, set my life back straight and find back myself.

Talk with confidence, walk with confidence, live with confidence.. is that the way?

30 June.

I was high but it gave me the courage to say out my feelings. Rejected.

07 & 08 July.

Over at BG. Things were kind of awkward, slience. Gone by end of the night, broke down.

13 July.

Watched Harry Potter alone, went drinking alone, ended up gone while all were in restaurant.

21 July.

Came to my limit, admitted SGH. Discharged.

28 July.

Good talk with Dan. Was happy.

29 July~10 August.

Happy & relax. No worries, no troubles.

11 August.

I broke down again. I felt cheated. Cheated by words, by feelings. Vented my anger, hatred rose but vanguished.

Disappointed that words was nothing but a lie to hide me in the dark. Thinking that would be the best way yet is not as the truth would always surface. I was alright. To me, seeing the other happy was enough. Felt like a fool believing all words, blinded by words of beliefs while everyone else sees it coming. News was painful caused it involves the person whom I looked up to at my lowest moments and takes in all she said. Yet this fool now holds no hatred, caused she never can bring herself to hurt or hate anyone.

Coward? Is that the term to use? Or useless?

What happened has happen, I cannot go back and change any fact. All is past, I look ahead still. Days will get better. They are still important to me, I cannot deny them away from my daily happenings. Yes, I have had painful memories but the happy memories I get is priceless. More than enough to heal the pain over time. No matter how many setbacks I shall face, I will stand again.

But everything came crashing down. Everyone thought that's the best way, keep me in the dark. Well, yah, but only for the period of time that I was unware right? I have eyes, have feelings, of course I can tell & guess things. Only this time round my confirmation was not what I wished it to be. Well, it did came hard, but the most painful part was being lied to by someone I would have looked up to, someone I cared about, someone I found to be my soul mate.

All is gone.

Don't know how to face you anymore, what kind of feeling should I carry if I met you? Maybe in the near future when I am better, it be better for us all. Caused trouble to all again, especially to someone else which I feel so terrible to for not being able to control myself. But I really couldnt bottom it down. Have your break, I will be strong, I am, are'nt I?

Or maybe I am just a small girl still, unable to handle herself.